Only the Best Communications

 I don’t know about the rest of you, but speaking is hard!! I often say that English is my 3^rd language, just under mumbling and blabbering. It is hard to talk to another person and to really get your point across!! As you can well imagine, marriages become a lot harder when one or both members of the couple either can’t communicate effectively or the other just doesn’t understand. Luckily for us, there are so many ways to work on this!! So, why don’t we learn together?

First, there is a basic makeup of communication. We obviously use words (kind of an important part of communication). We also use tone and nonverbal cues (or body language). These three parts make up our basic communication everyday. Granted, communication gets a bit muddled with technology since we don’t use two of the three elements. (No wonder we don’t always understand texts!!)

Now, the way we communicate starts with the thoughts or feelings of one person. They “encode a message” so to say and that message gets moved through some type of media (words, tone, body language, texts, etc.) The other person then has to decode the message to understand the thoughts and feelings of the first person. (If this doesn’t make sense, please let me know!) So, if one of the basic makeups of communication doesn’t make sense with what they are saying, it is much harder to decode the message. So, if you were to go up to someone saying how excited you are to see them, but you are rolling your eyes at them while talking, the other person might decode your message thinking that you don’t like them and you really aren’t excited to see them.

Hopefully you get the picture.

Marion G. Romney once spoke to a young man about teaching. I want to use the same quote, but I’m going to change the word “teach” to “communicate”. A young man once said, “President Romney, I shall communicate in such a way that everyone will understand.” President Romney replied saying, “That’s not enough; you shall communicate in such a way that no one will misunderstand.” Then he walked on.

That is the kind of communication that we all want, but if we’re all being honest, we’re really not very good at it. We can become better though!! I would like to propose something that David D. Burns suggests in his book “Feeling Good Together”. It is the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication.

The first secret is the disarming technique. Now, when I get into an argument with another person (usually over a misunderstanding of communication), I like to think that I am right. I don’t like it when the other person is right. But this disarming technique does the opposite of what we would usually do. It is when we look for and speak a kernel of truth, even if it is unreasonable. Although this sounds easy, it is not. You have to find the truth in what the other person is saying. This could be saying, “Yes, I can be unreasonable.” Or “Yes, I do get defensive.” As you can imagine, this would throw both members of the argument off their game and should deflate the feelings of anger and tension. A lot of this is because both the positions of defense and attack look or even sound the same. When we release that, then we have two individuals having a misunderstanding.

The second secret is to express thoughts and feelings of empathy. This is when you restate what they are saying and ask, “Am I understanding this correctly?” If not, relisten and try again. This shows the other person that you are willing to listen to their point of view and you are willing to try harder.

The third secret is inquiry. This is also simple. You simply say, “I’d love to hear more of your feelings.” Again, this shows you are listening and invites them into a safe space to talk to you.

The fourth secret is “I feel” statements.” This is when you can calmly express your own emotions by saying, “I feel self-conscious when you talk about me in front of your friends like that.” Or “I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty dishes in the sink.” An easy way to check into what you are feeling is to look up a mood log and look at the emotional words there. About 90% of the time, you are probably feeling something that isn’t anger. Anger could be a manifestation of it, but there is usually something deeper.

The fifth and final secret is called “stroking”. (Not my favorite term, but here we are!)  This is when you express what you admire and respect about the other person or express why you love him or her. This HAS to be absolutely authentic!! If not, this secret could make an argument come around again, and that’s what you really don’t want.

These secrets, a great combination of empathy skills, assertiveness, and respect, can really improve relationships!! But the biggest thing here is that you and your “person” actually talk and have these open conversations! Not many problems have been solved through silence. These secrets allow open and honest conversation between you and your spouse, significant other, parent, child, friend, and any other relationships you can think of.

I highly encourage you to look at your communications and how you are doing. Look at the last disagreement you had and see what you could have done better. How are you going to work on your communications??

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject!!

And good luck contemplating this week!!

*If you'd like to learn more about the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication, go to any podcast site and search for episodes 65-70 of the "Feeling Good Podcast". It's a great listen!!