Intimacy in Marriage

 Every culture has a different view of intimacy in marriage. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a different view of sexual intimacy in marriage than much of the rest of the world. So, why is it still so strange and foreign for us?

Now, I am going to tread lightly with this subject, but I would love to hear more thoughts on this subject in the comments!

Growing up, I heard a lot about the word “chastity”, only kind of understanding what it really meant. We were taught in various ways that having sexual relations outside of marriage was against God’s commandments and that we were irreparably tainted if we broke that commandment. Although this is true, that sexual relations outside of marriage are wrong, it is luckily not up to us to define who is tainted or not. But why are we taught this? Why are we taught that a rose that has been stepped on cannot be fixed? I think it stems from a misunderstanding of both this commandment and the reality of the need for sexual relations in marriage.

To start, why would we need sexual relations in marriage? Well, there is the obvious part, that is to create children and posterity for ourselves. This is such a beautiful part of procreation, and is so much stronger in a marriage. Does a marriage have to be perfect to have children? No. But it is so much better to have a strong marriage for your children to grow and mature with. When a husband and wife communicate together on the appropriate times to have children, there is a sacred experience between the two of them that changes everything. Another beautiful part of sexual relations is that it brings a husband and wife so much closer, both physically but also emotionally. There is a hormone called oxytocin that, when released, creates a bond in the mind of the individual to the other person. (Women tend to have more oxytocin than men) This bonding chemical helps a couple stay closer together and gives more satisfaction to both members of the couple.

Intimacy is closely related to the levels of trust and confidence that two people have with each other in a family. For some, having intimacy can be uncomfortable, and that is alright! Healthy communication between a partnership allows a “give-and-take” in the relationship, where each member can contribute more and help the other feel more comfortable. This also allows for thoughtful cooperation between both members of the partnership and allows an unselfish bond to form between them. Instead of there being an imbalance between the couple, the couple can find a way to compromise and feel better about the levels and kinds of intimacy they participate in.

Now, I spoke earlier of chastity, and I would like to elaborate on it. Chastity has several meanings, on of which is to be morally clean in thought, word, and action. It also means not having sexual relations before marriage as well as complete fidelity in marriage. When we break this, we are essentially abusing a power that God has given to us to create life. That’s a big responsibility, and something that God wants us to take seriously.

There is, however, a popular trend in the world today that having sex is ok outside of marriage. Whether that is underage sex, pornography either through viewing videos, pictures, or books, or having affairs outside of marriage, it still causes more problems than it solves. Much of the time, it complicates an already complicated situation. Sexual relations, as much as people think it is not, is as much of an emotional experience as it is a physical experience. When we begin objectifying men or women in this sense, we do not receive the same levels of sacredness that is found in intimacy in marriage. People in this instance do not receive the levels of love, trust, happiness, or unity that comes with a sacred bond between to people, unified in marriage. Instead, relationships built on sexual relations feel fear, guilt, and shame or even bitterness and hatred in their relationship.

This is not to say that those who engage in this are broken forever, because that is not what God wants. Breaking the law of chastity is breaking one of God’s commandments, that is true. But that is not to say one cannot be forgiven. That is the beauty of repentance, and changing our thoughts and behaviors with God’s help. An individual can become morally clean through the help of the Savior, Jesus Christ and by becoming morally clean again.

So, what do we do? How can we change this trend?

I think that one way we can have a better idea of sexual intimacy as well as a better experience is by becoming better educated in the subject. Many parents are afraid of teaching their children about how special this is because “it’s weird”, or “it’s gross”. Those ideas of intimacy paint the wrong picture. Sexual intimacy is such a beautiful gift that has been given to us. When we see it as “weird” or “gross”, and our children see it in that light as well, we are essentially telling them that it is wrong for them to have sex when they are married. It teaches them that if they have sex, they are the same: weird and gross. But, if we can teach about the sacredness of intimacy and the truthfulness of it, we begin showing them that sexual intimacy or simple intimacy is a part of God’s sacred plan for us, and a necessary part of bringing children into this world when the appropriate time has come.

I want to close with a quote by Harold B. Lee which says, “There is no better place to teach and learn about marriage, love, and sex than in the home as these can properly combine in a sanctified temple marriage. There is also no better place to deal with the doubts of our young than where there is love—at home. For love can free our youth to listen to those whom they know they can trust!”

So, as you contemplate your family this week, contemplate your thoughts and feelings about intimacy, whether that is in your marriage or family, or if you are single and learning more about intimacy with another. Search the scriptures and appropriate resources on what is true about intimacy in your marriages. What are you going to do to change? What have you learned?

Good luck contemplating this week!!

 

Here are some additional resources for those who may want to know more:

-          Developing Healthy Intimacy in Marriage

https://latterdaysaintmag.com/raising-the-bar-on-intimate-relationships/

https://latterdaysaintmag.com/characteristics-of-healthy-and-unhealthy-sexuality-in-marriage/

-          Resources For Parents Teaching Their Children

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/sex-education-and-behavior?lang=eng

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