Family Stress

 Stress. We all have it. We all love it. (Can you hear my sarcasm here?) Unfortunately, stress is a part of life and we have all had to deal with it all our lives. But how does it affect the family?

The more obvious answer to this is that stressing events brings distress to each of the individual members of the family. This distress brings on our feelings of fight or flight or freeze, cementing in our heads that something is dangerous or even an event is dangerous. This is actually a good thing. It means our heads are working right! External stressors for families are the more obvious things that we can see, like something happening to a family. An example of this is the death of a spouse or a child. These are high stress situations that cause huge amounts of stress for the family. Internal stressors are those things we can’t see that rock our foundations a little bit. This could be the anger that is felt from those external stressors, causing a member of the family to stay quiet and quietly turn away from the rest of the family.

These high stress situations are so hard for individuals to deal with, but there is another part of this that is a beautiful part of families. That is the fact that high stress situations can bring a family closer together. It seems counterintuitive to say, but I think we have all seen it happen in our families. For example, one of my grandmas passed away several years ago, and it was so hard on my family. My grandma lived just around the corner and down the block from us, and we had spent many years taking care of her everyday. So it was really hard for all of us when she finally was released from her pain and suffering here, even though it was a miracle for her. My mom had a really tough time with it, and she was so strong throughout the entire process. It was a really stressful time for our family. But I think that we really came closer together at that time. My brother had just gotten home from serving as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my sister traveled away from school and work to come help. The funeral itself was beautiful and was surprisingly fun for us! We had tons of family and friends around us to support all of us, and it was amazing to see my mom and all of her siblings work together to plan everything and support each other.

So, what does this show? Well, there is a nice little formula I recently learned about that teaches how we can come closer together in crisis:

A-      A- The actual event

B-      B- Both resources available and the response to the resources available

C-      C- Cognitions: what do you think about the situation? (Is it unfair? Wrong? Shouldn’t have happened?)

+

Total: The Experience

 

Let me explain how this works. In my example, the actual event was the passing of my grandmother. The resources available to us at the time was my family, close friends willing to help, members of our congregation in our church, etc. We were so thankful for all of the help we received and, as far as I can remember, we didn’t deny any help that came our way. Finally, what did we think about the situation? I know that for a minute there, I was extremely angry at the situation. I felt that she shouldn’t have passed and that it was somehow my fault that she did. I was so angry! However, and thankfully, my parents knew better. They knew that she was in a far better place and that Heavenly Father needed her help in heaven. That changed my thinking completely. I started to see how my parents saw this situation. I think that things would have been far different had we all seen things my way, that it was unfair that she was gone and that she shouldn’t have left. If we had all remained with that level of anger and hostility, we probably would have found blame with one another or anger and would have driven a wedge between us.

Sadly, not every family is as fortunate as mine was in this stressful situation. But once we know the triggers that our family feels in stressful situations, we can overcome them together! If a husband or wife is starting to go quiet after a difficult, high stress situation, take the time to talk to each other. And be open with one another! It is so vital to have healthy communication between each other, and even with your kids! But also be mindful of their boundaries. Don’t push them more than they can because oftentimes that will only make things worse.

So, as you contemplate your family this week, take a look at how you and your family has handled stressful situations in the past. See how you have faired in the equation previously shown. What have your experiences been like?

I’d love to hear your thoughts!! Have a great week!!