Rules, Roles, and... Couch Cushions??

 

Hello everyone!! And welcome back to Contemplating Family!!

In my house growing up, we had lots of rules. At the time, a lot of them seemed completely unnecessary, like don’t run out into the road, you have to share with your brother, make sure you clean the bathroom correctly, etc. Totally unrealistic right?? Not all of these rules were spoken, a lot of them were actually unspoken. Some of these unspoken rules could be don’t cross my cushion of the couch if you want to live, listen to mom and dad, be nice to strangers, etc. Having both these spoken and unspoken rules in my house really impacted the way that my family system developed. The way we saw each other through the roles that developed in each of us, the subsystem that was created, and the boundaries we set (both visually and not, haha!) allowed us to grow in the process. The boundaries that we set with each other allowed more trust into our home, both of the other siblings and of my parents. (That darn couch cushion did always get us though, haha!)  Couch cushions aside, all of these points in our family system helped us develop relationships with each other that strengthened our family and helped us gain the respect and trust from each other that we needed.

So, that’s me… But…

What does YOUR family system look like?

Are there rules? Does your family enforce them through the roles you play? Does your family have boundaries? What do those look like?

I’d like to take a couple minutes to talk about boundaries because these are SO important!! (I’m learning a lot of this right along with you, so I’m excited about this too!!)

There are actually a lot of different types of boundaries:

First, there are rigid boundaries. This type of boundary doesn’t let anything or anyone in. Rigid boundaries could be keeping people at a distance, seeming detached from others, and being unlikely to let other people in. This is like the couch cushions. Each of my siblings had a single cushion on the couch that was claimed by us. If another sibling impeded on our couch cushion, there was a price to pay!! These were rigid boundaries, in a sort of silly visual way haha! Now, don’t get me wrong, some of these rigid boundaries can sound bad, but having rigid boundaries with others could actually be an ok thing. If there is someone who is being hurtful, harmful, or just rude and inconsiderate, it may be time to set some more rigid boundaries with them. (Just not a couch cushion death sentence)

There are also unclear boundaries. These allow everything and everyone in, not a lot of sifting going on there. These types of boundaries could look like someone who’s house is always open regardless of who comes in or when. These unclear boundaries could cause an unclear view of your roles and responsibilities in the family.

And then…

There are clear boundaries.

These are the kind of boundaries that you can imagine as a white picket fenced house. Much like the said fence, you have a clear boundary of where your home is and where others may or may not enter. You know what is public or what is private. With this boundary, you know where the lines are, and everyone involved is aware and respectful of where they are as well. In a relationship, this could look like a couple who doesn’t involve the children in ALL the marriage decisions, but the kids know they can go to the parents when they need help, with the security that the parents won’t tell the other kids. That sense of establishment and security is so vital in any relationship!! This is kind of how my family worked!! My parents had a semi open-door policy. We knew that if their door was closed, we couldn’t go in unless we knocked to check. If their door was open, we could go in and talk to our parents about the things that were most near and dear to us, and they would help us. We knew they wouldn’t scold us or send us away if we had problems, and that level of trust was huge!!

Again, not every family will be like this because frankly we are all different. But if you can strive for having clear boundaries with those you love (like the open or closed door policy my parents had), your relationships will grow in a place of respect and love!! I know that making the necessary changes to rules or roles will help in that effort!

There is a sacred responsibility we have to grow and develop in a way that helps us gain the trust of others, and this is one of them!! So, how can you contemplate your family this week??

If you have any thoughts or questions, I’d love to hear about them!! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What We've Learned So Far...

 Well folks, we have been through quite the journey these past few months! We’ve learned about everything from dating to communication to parenting and marriage and so much more! I know that I have learned so much from what I’ve learned these last few months, and it has made me appreciate everything my family does for me more and more. I never really appreciated growing up in a home with parents who were strong and stuck to their values. I never appreciated growing up in a community that is safe from much of the world’s outside influences. We all still had our problems, as any family or community would, but I knew who to trust and where to go. And I think that influences me more than anything. I have learned the power of having a father and mother in a home working together to rear their children in righteousness and in a way that would set their kids up for success. There is power in having a strong marriage, and I know that now. I know there are marriages that don’t work out,...
Read more

What's the Deal With Dating??

  We live in a society that thrives off of connections. We connect with each other through social media. We connect through being with people. We even connect with the guy that cracked a joke in our math class! We thrive on connections! But when did we become so casual about it? When did connecting with a person face to face turn into connecting through a screen? When did connecting with someone on a deeper level suddenly change to talking about that new video game? Don’t get me wrong, this light talk is important and I am an avid connoisseur of it, but our deepest connections run, well, deep! Dating is a hugely effective way to gain connections with other people! It provides us opportunities to get to know other people who may or may not have similar interests as us, and who have decided to spend time with just you. In the words of Dallin H. Oaks, “A ‘date’ needs to pass the test of the 3 p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.” So, when did this change? As a...
Read more

Family Stress

 Stress. We all have it. We all love it. (Can you hear my sarcasm here?) Unfortunately, stress is a part of life and we have all had to deal with it all our lives. But how does it affect the family? The more obvious answer to this is that stressing events brings distress to each of the individual members of the family. This distress brings on our feelings of fight or flight or freeze, cementing in our heads that something is dangerous or even an event is dangerous. This is actually a good thing. It means our heads are working right! External stressors for families are the more obvious things that we can see, like something happening to a family. An example of this is the death of a spouse or a child. These are high stress situations that cause huge amounts of stress for the family. Internal stressors are those things we can’t see that rock our foundations a little bit. This could be the anger that is felt from those external stressors, causing a member of the family to stay quiet...
Read more